The Leap
It became pretty obvious pretty quickly that things were not going to fall into place at the same time. It was mid-March when we felt like Westfield might be the move. Joe would have to tell his principal that he was leaving his current school long before he would even have an offer. I would have to commit to that area, which might mean turning down job offers from previous schools, even if I didn't know that I would have a job in the Westfield area. And, to make matters worse, we would have to commit to a place to live regardless of whether we had a job.
A lot of saying yes with not a lot of visibility.
One night, at premarital counseling, our conversation drifted to the future. Jeff looked at us and said, "at some point, I just need to know how committed you are to moving here with us."
Without really thinking, Joe and I looked at each other and nodded. "We're in."
And there it was. We were committing to a place where we had no guaranteed jobs, no place to live, and no idea if we could even make it. It was one of the biggest leaps I've ever taken. And yet I've never felt more held.
Joe told his principal that he was going to be moving to the Westfield area. His principal responded graciously and empowered Joe to follow God's call. He immediately called friends from Westfield and by 9:00 that night, Joe had a message in his inbox from one of the Westfield VPs.
His process moved remarkably fast. He got in for an in-person interview within days, followed by a series of encouraging phone calls from his hiring VP. There was incredible excitement as we celebrated his journey. There were many signs pointing to the fact that Joe was going to get this job.
And yet in the midst of celebration, darkness started to flood my soul. Despite reaching out first, I had yet to hear anything from anyone at Westfield. Fear bombarded me, robbed me of sleep and caused me to be in a constant state of anxiousness. I would celebrate Joe from the outside, but the deep caverns of my innermost being were twisting with worry. It didn't look like I had any hope of getting this job.
"You're not competing with Joe," people would tell me. "Trust in God." Over and over, from friends, family, church members, professors...and yet the more I heard that, the more resentful I became. Satan creeped his way into my heart and I gave him a foothold. I envied Joe. I resented everyone with a job. I believed the lies that God was not going to give me this. I bowed to anxiety, frustration, and fear. I told people I was waiting for God to work it out while I was inwardly bent with the demonic belief that I had no hope of getting this job.
As I sat on a plane to Florida for a much-needed break, I looked out at the magnitude of the sky, infinitely more vast than I could even dare to dream. And yet God was in control of that. I willed myself to make a list of all the times God has been faithful before:
- salvation
- bringing me to Taylor
- surviving student teaching
- introducing me to Joe House