Praying for Clarity

What has been really cool throughout this entire process is being able to look back and see God's hand in all of it. Moments that felt so foggy are now crystal clear and we have no choice but to say, "Wow God. You did that!" 

We had been praying for clarity.

Not finding a house felt like a frustrating cycle of God-absenteeism, praying without answers, and running hard into closed doors.

Getting rejected from different jobs seemed to be nothing more than an instance of God smiting me, a silly sinner, for my pride and thinking I know best.

Paving out our path only to find it reach dead end after dead end put me in a place of wondering whether God was hearing me and questioning how he could really be working things for my good.

And yet in the midst of it all, we prayed for clarity.

I finally found a school that wanted to hire me - a successful middle school not far from my home with Christian administrators and a friendly workplace environment. It seemed like maybe I had finally found an open door. Praying for clarity, I went to visit the school. 

I would compare it to going on a date with someone who meets all of your standards but just doesn't click. On paper, the school was perfect: student centered, rigorous curriculum, engaging classroom instruction...but not right. God - I'm praying for clarity - why does this feel so wrong?

And then another school reached out. They set up an interview only hours after I submitted my application. Another potential open door. I began growing excited. The interview was wonderful. The high school is not far from Westfield, so I'd be close to Joe in an area we love. The principal wrapped up the conversation and said, "Thank you so much for interviewing with us! I do just want to let you know, this is a temporary position..."

My insides screamed. God! Clarity! What are you doing here! I want a long-term job - a place I can put down roots and dive in and stay for years! A temporary position??! C'mon!

And then, I had my interview with Westfield. The school I had been dreaming of and praying about for months. The school where my almost-husband had just accepted an Algebra I job. The school that made my heart giddy with excitement, also twisting with dread at the fear of being rejected.

When I sat down for the interview, I don't remember a word I said. God guided every letter out of my mouth. I felt the Holy Spirit speaking so powerfully through me that I hardly even thought about my answers. In an act of miraculous indwelling, the Spirit took over. The answers I rehearsed flowed like water and it was beautiful. By nothing of my own merit, the interview went better than I ever could have imagined. 

And I had no idea whether I would move onto the next round. I had no idea whether I said anything with the interviewers that resonated. I knew nothing beyond a formal and professional, "We'll contact you tomorrow." But this time, something was different. I had clarity. I still knew nothing, in fact, I knew even less than before with the previous schools. But I was held and directed by the loving Lord of life who hems me in behind and before, and I didn't need to see clarity through my  own eyes. I was seeing through the all-powerful, all-knowing eyes of a Father and friend who is with me, within me, and good. 

I couldn't see my future, but I could see God. And maybe my prayers for clarity are really just prayers to see the God who sees all things. It's transitive property (right Joe????) - I can see God, and God is all I need to see, so really, I can see all I need to see. 

In praying for clarity now, I'm not praying for answers or even open doors. I'm prayer for a clearer view of my Maker. Most days I mess it up and I still lose faith and desperately strive to know the future. But I know what it is like for the path to be clear, for the Holy Spirit to consume my life in such a way that only peace is laid before me, and I'm learning to see that seeing Him is so much better than seeing the future.