Das' not how I planned it!

When Christen was four or five, she would oftentimes perform elaborate acrobatic gymnastics from the ottoman to the floor to the rocking chair and back. If, for any reason, she would mess up her routine, she would exclaim in the cutest little pipsqueaky baby voice, "Das' not how I planned it!"

We've coined this phrase in our family, using it as a default for rained-out picnics, lost tournaments, car troubles, and now, cancer.

There seems to be no more accurate banner. After all, at this time of year, our family is usually gearing up for the return to school. Likely making a state fair run (or two), meeting at a nice restaurant to celebrate August birthdays, anticipating the return of football. This year, we're figuring out who will drive who to the hospital, when and how to prepare for potential chemo, and navigating a life entirely different than what we imagined even a week ago. In short, das' not how we planned it!

Mom's diagnosis has brought us to our knees day after day, minute after minute. All of the dreams and plans we had for the future are now marked by questions and pain. But it is in those pillow-punching pleas for help that we are brought to the fold of our Maker, who has never ONCE uttered the phrase, "das' not how I planned it."

We turn our attention to Psalm 139:16, where David praises God by saying, "Your eyes saw me when I was formless; all my days were written in your book and planned before a single one of them began." 

What relief this message brings! All of our days were planned before they began. God knew that Mom would be hurried to the hospital on August 8, that cancer would be spotted only 40 hours later. God knew before the beginning of time that the beautiful life of Carrie Saunders would contain years of joy, laughter, taking pictures with her family, carting kids from place to place, and cancer. This is no surprise to Him. He is not scrambling at the mistake of a messed up routine; he is not panicking about a disease He never saw coming. 

The God who hems us in behind and before has known, perfectly, that this trial would befall us. He has prepared us to face it, even in ways we weren't aware of at the time. He gifted us with a summer full of family time, of laughs and love and leaning into one another. He surrounded us with people who would support us when the doctors came in. He has given us grace, and peace, and strength for every second. 

We find rest in the fact that God is stable, unshakeable, unchanging. He holds our every moment, he knows our every breath. He sees us, hears us, and loves to comfort us. And He will bring good out of this. He already has -- drawing us into a fuller dependence on Him, giving us opportunities to proclaim His goodness, and helping us to see the glorious truth that all we really have is Christ.

So no, das' not how I planned it. None of this is. I'd do anything to reverse the clock to last weekend, when mom was walking, healthy, with not even a thought of cancer on her mind. But my finite, nearsighted, often-selfish plans seldom come with eternal perspective. Our eternal, almighty God whose plans never fail are exactly the plans I want to be a part of. Even when it breaks our hearts!