House on the Rock

What they don't tell you about a miscarriage, first, is the physical pain. I can't understate the agony my abdomen endured. Think period cramps mixed with being shot mixed with the stomach flu mixed with childbirth. That's my best guess. What they don't tell you, next, is the emotional pain. Of course there's the sadness of losing your precious baby and having all your hopes and dreams dashed to nothing but blood on the bathroom floor, but there are other parts I wasn't prepared for. Most notably, the fact that you have to walk into a women's clinic for the ultrasound that will confirm the end of your pregnancy. You will have to stand with pregnant women in the elevator. You will have to sit in the waiting room next to newborns in strollers. You will not only be reminded that everything you dreamed of is not going to happen -- but those dreams are coming true for every person around you. And finally, what they don't tell you, is the financial toll. Don...

It's January -- the bleakest, darkest month of the year. Far away from any school breaks, summer, or fun holidays. Void of all sunshine, outside time, and light. Januarys have always been hard for me. If you've been on this blog for a while, you likely remember the Whole30 pit of despair circa 2022. Or perhaps the perpetual sunlessness that brought seasonal depression last year.  This year, I was determined to go in with a bit more gusto. After all, I'm coming off two of the most depressing months of my entire life -- no exaggeration -- and I'm ready to turn a corner. I'm ready for things to start looking up.  This requires quite a bit of effort. Joy is a lot more hard-won than a lot of people consider. While Christians should be the most joyful people on Earth, that's not necessarily our default setting. Jesus was known as the Man of Sorrows. Over a third of the Bible is made up of desperate lamentations -- righteous complaints to God about the current state...

 It's been quite a start to 2024. I have already taken more medication, spent more time on bedrest, been in more hospitals*, and dealt with more physical pain than all of 2023 combined. And it's Day 4.  (*Hospitals for myself, that is. Certainly spent a good amount of August-October in hospitals. Apparently the turning of a calendar does not alleviate the presence of hospitals from one year to the next.)  I woke up on the 2nd around 1:00 AM to abdominal pain more intense than anything I have felt in my life. Heating pads, medication, and belly rubs couldn't touch it. Twice I told Joe we needed to go to the ER, only to talk myself out of it and fall into a shallow, fitful sleep. Profuse bleeding stained our bathroom floor and I secretly hoped I would die. Not suicidal -- just that much pain. Our gracious (wonderful!) boss nearly insisted I take the whole week to heal -- physically and emotionally. Considering I couldn't even get out of bed, I didn't fight her on it. ...