Our God is For Us

 December 1. December 1. That was the date playing over and over in my head. I'll take a pregnancy test on December 1.  My period was several weeks late, but I was no stranger to disappointment in the pregnancy test realm, so I really didn't want to rush the process. Joe and I had been trying off and on since early in the summer, sometimes hit-or-miss in months long before that. I was often convinced we were pregnant, only to wake up the next morning and have our hope halted by the punch of a period starting. 

When my Mom was diagnosed with cancer, our urgency heightened. I desperately wanted to see my mom hold our child. To become a grandma. To be my first phone call in the middle of the night and the woman by my side throughout long hours of labor. Surely she had a couple years to live. Surely we could do this.

And then the doctors gave her a week. We tried all the more frantically, hoping I could go through even the most preliminary stages of pregnancy with her -- even if it meant just the announcement. But alas, although the Lord gave her more days than we expected, Mom went home to be with Jesus, and my womb remained childless. The grief of this was nearly crushing: if we were even able to conceive, it wouldn't be without immense loss -- the loss of the woman I always assumed would be there through it all. 

Thanksgiving passed and I still hadn't started my period. That's when I began the internal rally cry of December 1. I'll take a test then. No sooner, no later. Sure enough, the morning of December 1 brought the sweetest news -- a light at the end of an incredibly dark year: I was finally pregnant. 

We immediately began the nursery planning, registry building, and that long-awaited announcement. Christmas was right around the corner; we'd tell our families then. I drew Dad's name for our gift exchange, so everything was going to be perfect. For his final gift, he'd open up a cute little onesie (pictured below) which reads, "Hello Grandpa! See you soon!" And even though it would be hard to picture this without my mom, there would be immense joy at this gift of new life. 

After what felt like years, Christmas morning arrived. We had already told the Houses, along with many members of our church. I absolutely couldn't wait to tell my family. But instead of waking up to presents and stockings, I woke up to blood -- lots and lots of blood. The reality of this was shocking, and we immediately began Googling/calling nurse friends/setting up appointments to have bloodwork done. Not the announcement we had pictured. Not the Christmas we planned. 

Repeated tests and bloodwork in the days to come confirmed that our precious baby no longer had a heartbeat. Less than two months after being told my mom had no heartbeat, doctors said the very same thing about our unborn child. 

While the weight of this grief feels like it might crush me, there is one thing that brings immense comfort: I had so heavily lamented the idea that my mom wouldn't get to hold our baby. But thanks to the promise of Heaven, I can picture how she must have stood waiting at the gate with open arms, eager to cradle her precious grandchild in a place with no suffering, sickness, or sin. They. Are. With. JESUS! What joy must have burst forth in that greeting! And we will get to see them both in perfect glory like never before -- oh how we long for that day!

A few other miscellaneous musings that have stemmed from the past few days of grief: 

1. God is still good; His heart is still for us. 

2. Suffering brings a closeness to Christ like almost nothing else!!!!

3. Christians aren't promised an easy life -- they're promised a perfect eternity.

4. Kelly, Holly, Brian, Christen, Cam, Riley, Jeff, Amanda, Dara, and Morgan flocked to our apartment immediately upon hearing the news -- all of them unannounced; all of them bearing some type of food or gift. Many friends/family also texted or called, which warmed our hearts as well. The people who show up for people are the people we want to be! THANK YOU! 

5. Social media is no place for the grieving barren woman... I am REJOICING in the pregnancy announcements of many dear friends, and yet I need to protect my joy by stepping away for a while (starting Jan 1-- after Mom's birthday post of course):) . I hope to keep writing, so please feel free to stay updated on my no-longer-a-secret blog: calialexishouse.blogspot.com

May He be glorified through it all!!


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