Keep Clinging

 I was sitting at my favorite Panera booth sipping a half-dark roast, half-medium roast, half-hazelnut blend (sorry bout that math Joe) and reflecting on God's movement in my life over the past few months. 

I had a rock-bottom moment with heavier tears, darker thoughts, deeper pain, and more all-consuming anxiety than I had ever felt before.  It was the day Joe accepted the job at Westfield, and even though I was giddy with excitement for him, I was pierced with fears for myself. This would be even more crushing of a blow when I didn't get the job. The devil was force-feeding me lies about the goodness of God and I was chewing on them, swallowing little by little, letting the lies leak into my body. 

I felt paralyzed. 

And yet God in his mercy saw me on a friend's brother's futon, four in the morning, forcing myself to try to  remember Scripture while my wicked heart wanted to fixate on fear, and He held me. I felt the presence of God tangibly, palpably, surrounding me and directing my every breath. 

Looking back, I have the sweetest memories of that night. The peace God provided, the Scripture he called to mind, the way he surrounded me and heard me even when I was not believing in Him. Such love. Such mercy. Such grace.

I sat at that Panera booth days later, across from Lauren Murphy, and I told her that I was almost sort of sad for this season to be ending because God has felt so close. I have had to cling to him so desperately to stay upright, to sleep at night, and I was, weirdly enough, not quite ready for that clinging to be over. 

Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it. . . I walked out of my final round interview on Thursday only to hear the deflating time table: "We'll let you know in a couple of weeks."

I fought back tears as I headed out to my car. A couple weeks?! How in the world was I going to hold on for any longer???! 

As I drove past Panera on my way back to school,  I remembered my conversation with Lauren. The clinging is not over. I get to keep clinging. Keep crying out, keep replacing anxiety with Scripture, keep reminding myself who God is and was and will always be. And what I'm learning is that I get to keep clinging, even after that final phone call. Whether I have a job or not, I'll keep clinging. 

If it's storming or sunny, I have to keep clinging.

If we're financially set or struggling to make ends meet, I have to keep clinging.

If our marriage is soaring or we're down in the trenches, we have to keep clinging. 

If my health fails or I can run for miles, I have to keep clinging.

Hills and valleys, calm and stormy seas, I'm here and I'm clinging to the God who never fails me.

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